Be here, be square 😉
I’m feeling that sensation again,
the clenched feeling of the chest, the hyperventilation, the heart palpitations.
I think i’m falling again. How is this even possible?
You make me feel like the best version of myself. You anchor me, ground me, make me wiser, excite me, make me feel like life could be even better than I ever thought was possible.
You make me look forward to tomorrow, just so that I can figure out what you’re up to.
You make me feel stunning, you make me feel wise, you make me want to conquer the world a day at a time. Because, with you by my side. Nothing is impossible.
This concept. This measurement. This construct that creates meaning for us.
Time can be a bitch. Time can be godsend. Time can make us panic, make us relax, make us efficient, make us reflect, make us…
What is time to you?
Time for me right now, right at this moment, is an absolute cunt.
I’m cursing the time, timing.
Timing is throwing me under the bus, but also guiding me through the tunnel of darkness and closer and closer towards my destiny of brightness amongst the stars in the universe.
I know, it’s bigger than me, and it’s bigger than you. It’s bigger than love. We cant see time in retrospect, until we live through it, past it, along it, ride with it.
But right now, I’m struggling through a tough knot. Is JC my future? Is JCL written in the constellations? But what about TWG? Or NI and JI. They are catchy too. And how does VM fit into the mix? Next, I’ll be crying on the shoulders of JD, and we would swear to be together and til death do we part.
I’ve been reminded of what love means, true love. When you put the needs of others before yours. When you can love someone so much that you don’t care if you loose everything else, as long as you get to be with them. With that definition, I’ve loved countless times. I’ve been vulnerable many, and exposed a plenty.
That is how I’ve experienced a growth spurt in the past few months.
I’ve possibly experienced all 3 ways in which a person is to be challenged, in order to truly grow. Both spiritually and mentally.
I’ve been humbled and challenged to the very core of my being
I’ve lost everything. To really understand what truly matters to me.
Tonight, I’m having trouble sleeping
I couldn’t seem to put my mind to bed. I know it’s because I came to a realisation that I can no longer dismiss how I feel about you.
I’m finally ready. Ready to close all those doors that I kept opening before. Ready to pick one. I don’t know if it’s yours yet, but I’m at least ready to move onwards and forward.
Thank you Thomas.
I know I’m not supposed to say this to your face, so I’m airing it out here. My safe space.
What you did was so uncool, how you treated me towards what I now see as the end of our friendship. I rarely have ended friendships but now I guess I do. Thanks to you. That speaks more about you than it does about me then I guess, doesn’t it?
What you did, how you made me feel the past few months slowly grew from sadness to resentment. Now, whenever I see your face, I get a weird mixture of feelings. Things like jealousy, bitterness, grief and even hatred sometimes.
Jealousy, because I know you’re treating your new friends like how you did me at the very beginning. Showering them with affection and attention.
Bitterness, because of similar reasons, and because I know we’ll never go back to that.
Grief, because I’m a stubborn person and I hold on to everything all the time and find it hard to let go, especially of friends.
Hatred, because of how dismissive you are to me now. And me not being able to understand how someone could turn a complete 180 on me, and do this when all I ever attempted was to be good to you for all the times I can remember. And how unfair the entire situation is. That I be rewarded this way, when all I was trying to do was be a good friend.
Once again, I don’t know how many times I need to tell you. I am not perfect, because I am human. If you have a problem with me, you gotta fucking tell me. That’s how I get to grow. THAT is being fair. If you don’t tell me, I’m never going to fucking know! Or be able to learn from my mistakes, or ever become a better person.
You’re just pathetic. I’m sorry, but I’ve had enough. It’s the final straw and you fucking smashed it, cut it to bits, trampled on it and set it on fucking fire. Don’t you fucking try to drink from it again cuz it’s fucking ashes now bitch.
I realise what I did was wrong, it was insensitive. I know that since I thought I never made any promises, I didn’t need to explain anything.
But. But then I remember at some point, at the beginning, I felt guilty even about the littlest things, and felt what I did was wrong. When I confessed to you, and you assured me it was fine. I took it at face value. To confess, was a selfish act to rid myself of the guilt. It was cowardly. How could I be so daft to ignore the underlying truth that I clearly knew. Felt. But chose to turn my back to, and go on to do even worse things because I chose to believe what I wanted to.
I told myself, and other people that I liked you. Just not enough. I really enjoyed your company, and thought you were a genuinely decent guy. But that just wasn’t enough for me. For me to want start anything substantial with you. Not romantically, not something that I would want to commit to for significant amount of time. And so, I used that to justify, that what I was doing was ok.
I guess I never thought about how you would feel, how I could hurt you in the process. For that, I’m sorry. That’s shit of me. It wasn’t the right thing for me to do. Nobody deserves that, especially when you’ve been nothing but good to me.
The truth is, I was also afraid. I was going through a period time, where I was using all other things, other people, as an escape, a distraction. When we started hanging out, it seemed so effortless. It was just what I needed. But then it also seemed too good, too fast. I wasn’t ready. For anything really. And as a usual routine, I try to create order out of chaos. I made myself believe that this wasn’t what I wanted, that I longed for something else and someone else instead, and it was all just temporary.
Some part of me has held other truths back long enough, but I realise something changed in me at some point. The truth is, as harsh as it sounds, I never imagined a future for us. Scratch that. I did try to imagine that future, it just never looked right. Not to me, at least. That was enough for me to suppress my feelings. At some point I really did develop a deep fondness, that I tried to push away. I loved you.
If you’ve read my past few blogposts, you’d realise I seem to throw that word around easily. The word that should hold so much weight, so much power, so much intensity. And you might think, how on earth can she so easily pin that down as love. And how can she love so easily. To be frank, I have no fucking clue, but I’ve loved so easily and so much and so frequently in the past half year, after the first time. In a way, I see it as life reminding me that I don’t have to be afraid that I can never love again. A process to help me heal. But I’ll let you on a little fact that might seem funny. Ever since you cut me off, I stopped trying to find the next love. More like, I stopped life. Just for now, at least, until I get my grip of all the other things I’m trying to find meaning in.
And just in case you were wondering, and perhaps you’re not, and never even tried to fathom a passing thought. But just in case you were. No, I never had anything for him. I never did. Him to me, is like a schoolboy, too immature to process a proper courtship. He’s only present in my sphere when he is right in front of me. When he’s out of sight, he’s completely out of mind. And no, I never had any feelings of fancy for him. Definitely not love. He was only an outlet for my frustration. One that I should never have let it out on. I rarely regret, but for this instance I truly do.
Maybe a part of me is also holding back on another truth that I’m still trying to suppress, even until now. The truth that I didn’t just love you before, at that bare glimpse of a moment. That short period of time. That episode we had. The truth, being that I might still love you, even now. Maybe.
Sometimes it comes in the form of confusion, clouds over
masks all coherence, judgment, all sense of meaning.
When the last of the mist passes away, and clarity sets in
you come to realise that it was all self-denial.
You wake up afresh, escaped from the grip of mystification
ready to charge forward, and start anew.
Fuck this shit!